A woman

I am a woman and I am being told not to be a feminist. I am said to be different because I am supporting the rights of a woman. Do you think the damages behind what you are saying? I already live in a patriarchal society that pushes the woman down because they go like, ''omg a woman can't lead, she can't do this or that because women simply don't do that.'' Am I not being judged for being the opposite gender? Trying to find my own place while trying to uplift others who find they depend on men, that is a fat big no. They can support you but you do not depend on any man to show your worth.

Can't being go out alone in the night for a walk because I can be attacked by any man who is hungry of his lust. Is this what you want me to go through? I have my inner and outer struggles as well, thank you world for being that way. If a woman is poor, she is regarded in a different way, if she is from the middle class, she is put in a pedestal where she is questioned but if she is rich, she can do things without having to give any sort of explanation. Why not give the power to each woman equally? Or try to see all as one? Being a woman is tough because I always have to be there and see how a man is being admired as the strong gender, I agree he is strong physically but most of the times, I can walk on the same path with him and do better.

It is never ending for I see young girls being taught to just cook and be docile. They are never taught to be fierce to compete with this discrimination which will always teach them to be behind and not ahead. Most of the posts or talks I see is, ''respect her because she is somebody's mother, sister or daughter.'' How misogynistic of you! Isn't she a human being like you first of all? But you were taught to see her as somebody has some other identity before and then a human being. I do not blame you but this is why feminism is needed as we do have our rights but we had to fight for them to get them recognized in your eyes.

Also as they say, the truth is infront of your eyes but we have to rub in your eyes for things to work out. It is surprising how when a woman succeeds, people are stunned. We are humans like you, humans. Women are being sold as sex slaves, some of them are victims of the domestic violence and others are being raped but can't speak out for they do not have the support for when a woman speaks out of her agony, ''she brings disgrace to the family''. And this is how it has been since the beginning for a woman's word has no value and you tell me, feminism isn't needed? Who will speak out for us? I am being put aside because I am a woman.

I am being judged by the way I dress, if I wear short clothes, I am judged. If I wear a scarf, I am judged and if I cover myself up completely, I am judged. I never saw the opposite gender supporting us that much and this is why I stand up for myself and I am going to show that a woman is not a showcase to be placed in the house but she can go out and be a free person. A 22 year old paralysed woman was raped by a staff member in PIMS, now tell me that her clothes were revealing. Some men are so disgusting and I am a woman who is watching everything but will speak out. It isn't about the god damn clothing but the mentality that is sick.

After wearing the abaya full time for some months, I put it in my mind that men won't be staring anymore but they still do so it is from my own experience that I am speaking. We always have the eyes on us and are being ogled. WHY? Because I am a woman and we do not speak about it openly because it is considered as taboo. It is not going to be the case anymore because when I can see how I can't even say things at all and it is high time that the shackles have to change. Raise from what you have been taught that a woman will be doing all my household chores because I am a man, consider her as your human fellow.

And finally I am a woman who is being oppressed and that is why I will teach and empower other woman to believe that they are much more than what they think they are for a woman gives birth, raises her children, gives comfort to anybody and is what you are scared to give power because most of the time, she does better than you for she is a woman, a gentle being but fierce when you snatch her rights that she always have to remind you of. She is a woman that according to the religion of Islam, heaven lies under her feet when she is your mother. She is a woman that you look down to but she will raise, she will. I will make her raise for I am a woman like her.

Moving away

This has been one of my big decisions to move away from everyone to pursue a new experience, change and career. In my mind, the scenarios were different though the reality is actually so bitter and awakening. It has actually been helping me to be more open minded or patient in so many ways but yet there is always something missing.

When I think how everything happened so fast last December that I didn't meet everybody to say goodbye or mention that I will be back soon. Or when I looked in my parents' eyes, it breaks my heart to say that I was selfish in some way to decide to move. I always say that I am fulfilling my dad's dream but I left him alone, who does he even scold to wake up for Fajr or to sleep every night? How does my mum walk past by my room and not feel that one of her kids isn't around? How is everybody surviving without me at home?

My group of friends did have an idea that I was planning to move but not that soon. Some knew that good and surprising news through my TV interview, some weren't even believing that my departure was in two weeks and some even thought that I was joking around as things never happen fast with me. I still remember how the idiot of my life, Tahirah who sounded so devastated on the phone when I let her know that I am not going to be around for a long time. I broke so many hearts which I have been realizing some days ago.

All I heard was, ''we are happy for you because you are so happy. We are proud of what you have achieved. Do not forget us even once else we will haunt you'' before leaving. Nobody even said that things would not be the same without you or we are hurt by this but then I sit down and ponder or even read my messages, I get the notion that I have been hiding my feelings way too much and not reciprocating the love back of those who are still there to care if I am doing well in a strange land where everything is so different for me.

When it comes to the guilt part, I kept feeling guilt about everything every single day, I missed so many important occasions, I am not here when my loved ones are in pain or crying. Those days when my best friend had her first heartbreak, all I could do was be on skype with her to console her with words and watch her cry her heart out, I used to give her my shoulder to cry on and hug her to let her that things will be fine but I felt so helpless that I wish I could take a flight and get back but one can't help with such situations.

I missed birthday parties, first formal presentations and so many important events of the people whom I am close to though I still sent words to show that my presence is still there even my absence is still so visible to everybody. One of the biggest blow on the heart was when I missed my brother and dad's birthday and all I could do was just call and wish them a long lifetime of success and happiness. I used to organize every single birthday event for everybody when I was around so I guess that I am always going to feel left out.

Well it's going to be like this for the remaining 3 years but I feel that I am a bad friend, daughter and sister. What do you say to your friend who says that if you were here, things would be better? Oh well, I am sorry, I left because my career is more important than everything that I left behind. It was easy to think with the mind that this will happen and it won't affect me but it is eating the inside of my intestine everyday and I can't help the feelings from making the heart so heavy. So many situations with questions and no answers.

Though there is this thing called loneliness that just doesn't seem to pass out. I am definitely surrounded by new people to hang out with or spend time with but then it isn't the same like the ones whom I am used to as I take time to get along with anybody. It's nice to sit down and laugh for hours but it will always remain as memories that I will carry someday as well. Nothing stays constant at all and time just passes like a bird is flying in the sky where suddenly you don't see it anymore as it was just a temporary phase.

Trying to fit in is what I did but then I got the point that it won't work because this is not home. I have definitely got a lot of experiences so far which opened my eyes. I got even more confident in what I am doing, got over some of my fears, discovered that it isn't that hard to be independent and left the toxic vibes behind. It isn't that hard to stand on my own feet as nobody can help me until I help myself. There is always the constant change in everything that I go forward to do and it makes me then breaks me and it's a whole circle that repeats then I finally get the grip of it.

Despite every point that I mentioned, I am glad to have everyone who still sticks around and pesters me to come back which will definitely happen with God's will. I definitely got new friends but you people are home and recognize who you are.

The art of talking

It's been years that I have been trying to figure out how can people be constantly talking to others with ease all the time? It's definitely an art that I haven't mastered until now. It's either I talk less or a lot to new people, acquaintances or even my close friends. There has to be something that I haven't discovered in my 20 years of surviving in this life where I can hear words all the time but I indulge more into thoughts than words.

On the other side, I can go to different places and get along with some new people like I have met them for years and be comfortable because there is the common ground but at times I will land to a place where I can be there among people but they won't even notice that I am around because I won't even mutter a word. It's because either I don't feel connected or I just observe how others are around me. It's in my nature, I guess that people are surprised when they see me not talking at all then talking a lot later on.

I was told during my childhood, I was the loud and bubbly kid ever because I was the only kid of my parents back then then my brother came along and it was the happiest day of my life when I held him in my arms as my mother still talks about it until now, how I wasn't being mischievous at all and smiling at the little baby and calling everybody to look at the little creature that I was intrigued by. Ever since I knew that he was not like other brothers, I came to learn that he is autistic, I became quiet for a long while because he was my baby too.

That made me quiet and then loud, it's time that made me start talking again but then I became selective with the people that I talk to and I was okay with it. I am a shy and reserved person that get remarks all the time, ''you are so rude'', ''god, so arrogant'', but the actual thing is that I take time to open up to others and it will be like that all the time. I can't even stick to a conversation at times or just smile to pretend that I am having an interest in what you are saying when it's the contrary. I can't even talk to a wall if I get all quiet and moody.

The long road of getting this art of talking helped me when I changed schools and moved countries, I learnt that it's not bad to be speaking to new people. I have eventually found people that I can relate to or talk to. All I needed to do was find that common ground where I could stay friends with those people that I talk to, for a long time. I tend to get detached or attached because my mind keeps on thinking and simply don't stop as over-thinking is my middle name. I think a lot and talk less of what is on my mind as words are precious to me.

Being known as the quiet person to people and the talkative or crazy person among my close friends or group of friends where they go like ''can't you shut up for a while?'' is all good with me as I need to get used to you to be talking for hours or just be quiet when things aren't going well or I am angry at you. I still can't explain things or defend myself as I am not good at it so I just give the silent treatment as it helps me to sort out where I went wrong or where you went wrong, at times it's bad because I should talk when things go wrong but I don't.

Some days ago, I came across this quote, ''if somebody doesn't understand your silence, it means that he hasn't understood your words'' so I figured out who are the ones, who actually understood who I am, in fact. I will always be noticing you from afar before approaching you and it's always fun in a way to be revealing myself slowly by slowly as I do not like rushing things at all as things could get ruined then. I won't deny that I tried fitting in what others do but I eventually got the point that I am losing myself and stopped right there.

To get along with who I am, I took time as I used to think that I am not good enough as why can't I be like that girl who is all lively but I realized that I invest myself in people who are worth it at the end of the day. I am completely different from my father or mother who can even speak to the Prime minister and I can't speak for long to you if I don't know you.

Swimming along.

It's all about knowing where your priorities are, swimming along with all your problems and worries is a big thing for you and I. One cannot say that he or she isn't surviving well as there is always a ray of light at the end of tunnel every single day. Holding on to that faith that things do get better helps the confidence that is dying in you.

I always imagine life like a swimming pool where everybody is swimming at a different speed, some are swimming very slowly and some are swimming very quickly. The waves will always push us here and there, one just has to learn how to control his or her pace to move ahead else you will always stay behind. Feeling the warmth, heat, coldness is a process of knowing whether you are alive or not for there has to be a change to know the difference in what is going on.

Stopping at least to put your head above the water is fine as well as one needs sometime to think on where he or she went wrong in their process of surviving, surviving is the first step to living. Living is a big word for there are few people who are living for real. Most of us are either copying others or are being forced to do something to pass the hours. Do ask yourself if you are living out of joy or to succumb that sadness that is hiding to creep on you at odd hours for this is what happens all the time.

Observing how the water gets to what level of your body is important as well for the water can be at your tummy so you know that things are going alright, the water can be at your shoulder, you start realizing that things are going okay, the water can be at your nose, you start panicking for things are going haywire and being an adult, you don't know what to do and start overthinking about thousand solutions that do not relate to the actual problem when you should be thinking of just one simple solution to what is affecting you.

Also when somebody asks you if you had a productive day, you just want to swim ahead because you don't want to lie for you procrastinated most of the hours, it's very rare that somebody has a really productive day, well we all control a nation called procrastination if you look at the clear picture, it's time to face the reality and oh yes we are like that and there is no shame in that for one can never be perfect and it's completely fine.

So let's just keep on swimming along with what life gives and put in our mind, 'bring it on' for we are ready for what is waiting us. It's all about bracing the storms that is hitting or will hit the sea and we do not have any helper at times, we do have friends but then they do not always know what is going on with us so we are our own best friend all the time, kudos to each of us for bearing ourselves all the time.

Chapel Hill Shooting.

I am still not at ease since I heard the news last night about the Chapel Hill Shooting and the mass media isn't making a huge claim about anything. It is so disappointing to see that Muslims do not have the same human rights as others. It's like every time we have to say 'hello we are humans too no matter what'.

After watching the video of the elder sister of the young boy and his wife, along with his wife's friend, I couldn't help but weep for them. It's been only 6 months that the young boy got married and now they are dead. They didn't even see life well yet, I can imagine how their dreams have been shattered when they were shot. They were newly wedded couple who barely spent a year together for god's sake and the other young girl was studying for her upcoming future with so much ambition and passion.

One can make a vision what she wanted to do for her family after her architecture studies, I can feel her completely because she was just 19 like me yet humanity is decreasing every single day and it makes me so angry to see how the news headlines are 'North California man charged in the Chapel Hill Shooting death of 3 Muslim students'. He is a bloody terrorist or killer. Also why do they have to bear for a violent white man who lost his mind? I can't feel the unimaginable pain of those parents and family.

That is a lifelong pain, torture, agony, loneliness, regret and deep sighs for them. Nobody can pacify or console them, it is so hard in such situations where somebody so dear just gets killed for no valid reason and the law is being lenient because he is a white man and ofcourse, he will be treated as a king and have that superior position as this has been happening since 9/11 and nobody simply cares. It is only after the events that everyone goes like 'if only, seriously if only' and speak about it for a day and forget it later on as if it doesn't concern them.

There are so many questions that have to be raised after this incident because no human being deserve such an act as it is so horrible. Do we really have to be judged because of our religion or skin color? Isn't the black, brown and white people the same? How can this world run like this with humans dying and others continue with their daily routines? Why is the news headlines being so biased for the Muslims and not for the white people? Do we have to be white to get our voices heard? Will candlelight marches and protest walks help?

One can do strikes but after some days or months or years, it's the same thing again and it's not a big deal because it's Muslims who are dying or will die. Where is all the sympathy gone? Remember how everything was exaggerated when Who Is Charlie happened? Here is the hypocrisy, everybody is being negligent now, wake up people, it's high time. It might be your brother, son, cousin, neighbor, father, sister, mum or any of your closed ones tomorrow and you will weep so get up and do something for once.

Dear Mahanoor.

Dear Mahanoor,

I have been meaning to write you a letter and give it to you tomorrow when we see each other but then I had to tell you what you actually mean to me. To be honest, you are one of the most loveliest human beings that I have ever seen and spent time with in my entire 19 years of existence. That heart of yours is so pure that I feel so fuzzy and warm inside.

To begin with, 4 years of friendship where we always understood each other and argued, then there were days when we didn't talk to each other because of I don't know what went wrong but still whenever we start talking, nothing else mattered. Not even a single fight or misunderstanding which I am so grateful about it. You have always been my backbone and didn't care about whether I bother you during the day or night.

Then when I came to Karachi, you came the exact day just to see me and you hugged me. The words that you uttered, still in my mind, ''finally my dream came true''. I am not even allowed to say thank you but thank you for making me feel special and waiting for me in the sun for an hour. At that moment, I didn't know what to say or feel because you are just so loving and caring. Everything seems meaningless when you are around.

Also you would break rules for me and make sure that I am safe all the time, making everything look like I am not away from home. You are home to me, people can be home too like I did mention to you. Selflessness is so filled in you that I can literally drown in it and I would be saved by you again because you are that anchor for me. That is love, you understand what is love completely and I am always stunned how you do. 

Being silly teenagers that we were, we definitely grew up from our mistakes, confusion, pain and self destruction. Holding each other's hands, we did it and we will keep on doing so, now that we are so close to each other, being in the same vicinity. I just feel it when you send me a message even if there is no wifi, it's just that I am connected to that soul of yours that you will discover how beautiful it is in some days because I am here for that.

'I am a sticky lover so don't cry', I am definitely that person who will not leave you because I was born that way. It doesn't matter if there is a power cut, riot, strike or fog, I am there for you and I know it is likewise. Just that we are similar in so many ways that we understand each other so well, like you looked at my face in the supermarket last Sunday and said, 'do not worry, Nasra, the gate will still be open.'

Last but not least, I love you more than I will ever express in words but I will do so in so many actions that you will always be smiling. Do thank Aunty for giving you birth or I will do so in some hours when I see her. And basically you are my everything so I am going to stop being formal. 

Between my mind and heart.

I always have this war waging between my mind and heart. My mind says something and my heart say something else. Why does my mind says that you are ruthless yet my heart says you are nice and romantic. It is confusing me even more and I don't know what to trust, my mind or heart.

It's like I was given a heart to be naive from what others do or say to me and I have a mind to distinguish who is good or bad but I decide not to use my mind most of the time because I fear that people will call me heartless like I once called my cousin heartless because she did not talk to me for a week as I got her in trouble by eating my grandma's food and she was punished. She was so hurt that she couldn't stop crying and I don't want to be in the same position as her.

When I listen to my heart, I am so good that I am not able to say no to anybody, I always say yes because I do not want to hurt anybody. People wonder why I can be so lovely but I am not, I can't explain so because I do not find words to say what I am going through then. It's difficult for a shy person like me to say that my heart is too soft and I love my fellow human beings whether they are good or bad to me.

At times I get tired because I can feel my mind and heart fighting between each other. I do not understand what to do then and I just fall down on the floor and fall asleep. It's a hard situation for me every time I have to interact with people that I love and acquaintances whom I meet from time to time. I will be able to know what my heart and heart are telling me while growing up because they guide me somehow.

My mind and heart are my assets, no matter what. My mind helps me to think logically and my heart makes me of what I actually am. I can't always be what people expect me to be because things do not work like that. 

Almost.

I do not smile anymore when I hear the word 'almost' because it seems so incomplete. It is like a whole process has stopped midway for some reason. I can't accept this in my mind that 'almost' is defining anything as it is so vivid. It's like accepting something yet deep inside yourself, you are denying it.

There are times when I used to say that I am almost beautiful or you are almost beautiful as a compliment but then I realized that I am doing the contrary. It is because I thought that I was not beautiful enough or you are not beautiful enough. It is not spreading joy rather uncertainty. It is when you are not sure with your words that you say 'almost' and it hurts. It really does, to the core. One can even go to the extent of telling you that it would be better if you would not say anything.

Imagine somebody telling you, 'I almost love you'. It would mean that he/she isn't sure about the love evolving. Confusion will be in the air then and nobody will be at ease. What's the use of saying words that you do not mean wholeheartedly? Almost is like you do want that person in your life yet you do not want that person. There is no sense in that so be careful before you say 'almost' to anybody because sending mixed signals is bad.

Also when your friend tells you that he/she is almost arriving where you are waiting impatiently but in reality, they are playing on the 'almost' to let you know that you have to wait for another couple of hours because they know that 'almost' is to say to keep you in suspense of what is actually going on or going to happen. It's absolutely amazing how others can play with the word 'almost' and you do not realize it at all.

Can you stop using the word 'almost' because people aren't smart enough to differ out what are you actually meaning? English language has some confusing words and 'almost' is one of them. Be careful with your words for they stay on the tongues of your loved ones for a long time and it will harm them. 

But I am just nineteen.

I just want to say 'but I am just nineteen' to every single person who says that you are getting old in some months and you have to do better with your skills. I don't know if I will see another tomorrow but I know in my mind that I will make the most of today. Pushing myself is already hard so why push me even further?

It's hard to think about the future now then I am stuck in the present, thinking about what to fix and what to do. I have learnt how to think by my own compared to some years ago. Others used to tell me what to think and I used to nod and agree. Things have changed ever since I started knowing what is right and what is wrong for me. Thinking is a process that has to be done by myself and I do not have to depend on others for that.

Knowing how to get my words out to people is what I always learnt and encouraged others to do. We all have words that are hidden inside ourselves that we have to share with others through any means, either it is via writing, drawing, speaking, making short videos, painting or whatever makes you comfortable. It is only your words that makes you different from others and being yourself is the best way is know who you are exactly.

Following my dreams is what I kept on doing more while being nineteen because it helped me more in the way of being courageous and confident. I always tell people to dream big as it is what will help you to achieve what you want to and nobody can stop you then. You are the one who can build and destroy what you actually have, doubting yourself is the worst thing that you can do. And I also worked for my dreams else they won't be true.

Growing as a person made me what I am right now, being nineteen isn't easy, I am telling you that. Everybody says that it isn't easy to be fifteen or sixteen but every age can be hard. Growing as a woman isn't easy because too many emotions come along at the same time and responsibilities increase day by day. It's a process from being a girl to a woman that aches my heart because at times, I want to be a girl and sometimes I want to be a woman.

Smiling is what I did more because I used to think that my smile is so weird and ugly. And I used to frown all the time whenever I am around people or whenever somebody took my picture. It was a miracle for others to see me start smiling for nothing or for a simple thing that happened. I was known as the grumpy person because that was what defined me. It changed my way of seeing things, even seeing my face glowing with the smile that I hated.

Trusting my decisions is also what I did with time as I used to think that I am not good enough with what I do but I did so with a bit of stamina that was left in my fragile body. I do not consider my body fragile anymore because it gets stronger with every decision that I take whether it is a good or bad decision. I learn from every decision that I take and I do not have anybody to blame but myself at the end of the day.

Speaking more about my fears is what I did because I do not hold grudges with myself. I let others know that I am scared while watching horror films, I am scared of cockroaches, I am scared of blowing up the kitchen while cooking, I am scared of every new change, I am scared of myself while I think at 2 a.m, I am scared of life, I am scared of being snatched of my imagination, I am scared, yes I am, I used to pretend that I was not scared of anything.

Making people laugh with my lame jokes is what I did more without caring and people laughed loud. I don't know if they laughed at my jokes or my laugh but they laughed. That was my purpose and it was successful. I got even happier throughout this. Those people were so worried and the minute they hear my jokes, they laugh and get lost in another world. I even laugh alongside with them and forget what made me so worried a minute ago as well.

But I am just nineteen, learning how to cope with this world which is preparing itself to push me up and down whenever I do anything but I will not give up because I am learning until I go to my grave where I will stop learning.

Inspiration.

Is it that one strives to live to be inspired or does one strives to live to be an inspiration for others? It's a question that has been on my mind since some days and I have been trying to escape it for some reason that I can't simply depict. Is there something called inspiration block? Because I lack inspiration at times.

I then realized that inspiration can be anybody or anywhere. You just have to notice every small detail that you seem to let go because you tend to ignore them for you act like you know everything then in reality you don't. There can be people that you ignore for no reason because your ego tells you to do so and you appreciate people who do not actually deserve it. There are places that you do not go because you think that they are ugly when it's the contrary.

Things can be calm in your head yet you will not find inspiration because you start thinking about how you are not good enough when it's not the case. That is what makes you not do your work well and get inspired. You can use both sides of your brain if you want to but you start assuming that you cannot which is very bad because you are ruining your own potential of being a better person of what you are.

While travelling, you will know how roads will teach you how to be patient when you don't want to and to be comfortable in your own skin because you have to bear yourself to carry on. That is when you know that inspiring yourself is a self discovery and you will inspire others without even knowing because you are confident that inspiration is something that you can get at any time but forcing yourself will not be of any help.

It's inspiration when you find that you can please yourself before others. You do not depend on anything or anybody for inspiration. Is it not why you are your own best friend when you are alone? You know yourself better than others because you do show just some parts that you find people will like and hide other parts inside yourself for it's what everybody does. 

Forgetful minds.

See how you are surrounded by forgetful minds and you have a forgetful mind as well. It's amazing how I used to get irritated of how people used to forget things, events or memories but I forgot how I happened to do so at times.

I think that it's great how we have minds that have this option of forgetting things forever or for a period of time else we would not be able to survive this life or at least breathe in peace. I am thankful that I can forget because I would be haunted by more worse thoughts that are actually in my mind and would not be laughing or crying when I suddenly remember those stuffs and I am grateful about it that it is what made me the person that I am today.

It's in my family genes to forget things so easily and I can't help it at all how I have to write down things on my planner so that I do not miss out the important stuffs or places where I have to do or go. There is only one thing that I am good at not forgetting and that is birthday dates. I even forget my way whenever I am walking in any part of the world, I can't be a tour guide which I would love to but it would not be me who remembers everything so efficiently.

On a serious note, would you want to keep everything infront of your eyes? All the deaths, sadness and all brutality that you are escaping slowly with the forgetfulness you got as a gift. Not at all, right? Smile at the fact at you are forgetful because it is a boon given to you for a reason, a strong one. Life was never meant to be easy but you are promised the strength to get along the way with some struggles here and there, it's spectacular to see things from this angle.

Yet we are humans and again we forget the fact that it's normal to forget and others to forget. It's such a funny thing and I am actually giggling right now how I am also like that. Let's forgive and forget the moments when people forget anything about you or him or her. I hope people ignore the fact that I tend to forget their names.

Friendship.

As the official friendship day is approaching, I got the perfect occasion to write what friendship actually means to me. I have had friends who have come and gone from my life when I was in kindergarten, middle school, high school and now that I am in university, I am left with friends that I can count on fingers.

Everybody is different and goes through various experiences. I was the type of person who used to have so many friends at a time. It was a matter of pride for me to have so many friends and the problems and worries bothered me and kept me so sad and I felt so inferior most of the time. I used to
also butter up my friends and now I have four to five close friends and not one hundred friends that I will not keep contact for a long time.

Over prioritizing others was what I used to do as well because I feared to be left alone. I needed that support of others and it was quite naive from my side as I was usually feeling out of the picture. But I wanted to be surrounded by many so as not to be appear a loner in public although I was always known as somebody else's best friend and never had my own identity. Things are not similar nowadays.

Usually I make friends easily even if I am a shy person, it must be a miracle to be honest. I have also faced so many difficulties to adapt with people and I used to let people crush you and lived in the shadows. I am glad that I have grown a lot with the passing time and know that I can be known as an individual who has an identity that others know, even if they still have problems in pronouncing my simple name that I get annoyed at times.

There is a quote of Imam Ali (as): ''A friend cannot be considered a friend unless he is tested on three occasions: in time of need, behind your back and after your death.'' For me, a friend means somebody who is there when I need him/her, takes care of me, knows what to say and what not to say, respect my views, religion, beliefs, rants and opinions. I do not want something extravagant or big from my friend. Also I want to have deep conversations under the stars if I am quite comfortable with the person.

Appreciate the people.

Appreciation is something that you do not tend to do or if you do then you sometimes appreciate people who do not deserve to. It even occurred or occurs to me that I do this error, after all I am a normal human being with flaws that I am trying to overcome every single time. Also I tend to appreciate things more than people.

It may sound that I am heartless at times but I am changing gradually with the passing time and I know that I am starting to appreciate people around me since some years. I think to think with my head instead of my heart because of some incidents that happened to me and ever since I was this robot who didn't know that when somebody does or says something nice to you, you should smile and at least say a thank you to show some appreciation.

Noticing that there are people who do not show a sign of appreciation about even their parents, makes me so sad or even the maid who works at their place. It is one of the worst things that you will ever do to a human being who breathes and has the same feelings and emotions like you. Even the newspaper vendor or the road side ice cream or junk food seller needs to know that you are liking their service by a simple smile because they get courage by those actions that you do towards them.

When it comes to friends, it is another level of showing your appreciation or disapproval but try to be gentle because we all make mistakes here and there. You never know if you will see those people tomorrow so make the best of today to say 'I like how you check on me' 'I appreciate your concern' 'You are a wonderful person when it comes to consoling' or any similar phrase which express your thankfulness.

I never want to let a person go away because I didn't appreciate him or her enough. It is then when you realize the utmost importance of the role of that being who was in your life. So try to appreciate even a message or a short call from your parents, friends, lover, maid, sweeper or any human being who is in your surroundings. Even if you have to hug them, do so. 

Those nights.

Coming back to those nights when I can't sleep or work. I sit on the couch or bed and start thinking about all the good and bad decisions that I made and how I cannot amend them anymore. You can change your present and future but you cannot change your past.

In the deep silence of the night, I hear whispers at times that attract me towards them which is spectacular to my ears. But then I do not hear anything when I try to hear more, well it must be my imagination. Dwelling in the silence is what I do for a long period of time and I start reading a book or go through pictures on my gallery which is the initiation to nostalgia. Time never come back and I want to feel those feelings that I felt before.

The dark blanket that envelopes the sky and we call it night for it has to be an end to the day that we spend relentlessly and carelessly. I do wonder why the night falls and I do not see any bird in the sky. Even stars are not seen because of the air pollution. Still looking for the beauty that so many poets and writers talk about. Is the darkness beautiful or ugly? Nothing shines during those hours and everything stands still.

Got a preference for winter nights because summer nights are too much of a trouble. I like having frozen toes and getting more inspiration for whatever I am aiming to do in the upcoming days and months. I need the shiver under my fingers and neck to know that it is finally night and keep on over thinking about things that do not really matter because my brain wants to work at that specific time to disturb my soul.

There is so much inside me that I don't want to complicate things by putting them out to people who will start thinking that I am another person in the middle of the night or I am simply drunk over my words. Conversations that are never supposed to begin, are then started just like that and you do love or regret them after some time. You then recall the conversations of those nights as a memory that you want to erase but you can't.

I am yet to have more of those nights when I start to think more about people, places, things, time, feelings, emotions and pointless ramblings that will be faded away in twenty years. And it is uncontrollable for you and I. 

Of distance and longing.

Distance is something that either unites or separates us from people, places, identities, cultures, smells and views. It is all about your perceptions which will change your life in a good or bad way. There are things that are expressed through telepathy when you are far away from a particular person, whether you believe it or not.

Did you ever notice how the two banks of a river are apart? Like two lovers who will never meet yet they are in the same place. But you can build a bridge to make them meet. It is all about thinking about alternate solutions. At times, you don't realize how time works like distance, I suddenly remember the quote from Tennessee ''Time is the longest distance between two places.'' Without time, you do not know how long you are far from a place.

To look at everything from faraway seems so intriguing and beautiful for example a mountain, as soon as you approach it, it look so rocky and dusty. You have to be careful at what you are observing for your eyes can deceive you anytime. However you can be right at your point of view for instance stars in the sky are always shiny for every being on this round globe so there is always an exception for far things.

In the past, people used to get rid of their longing by writing long letters to their pen pals and nowadays it isn't the trend anymore for there is the technology that is controlling everybody, phones in their hands 24/7. It isn't the same feeling where you can feel the genuine feelings of your friend who is terribly missing you. It also applies for lovers who are distanced for different reasons like the war, job or studies. Being a victim of the distance all the time for this is called life.

It also occurs that you are close to a person instead you feel that you are so apart from him/her. It is about understanding the person who you are with. Thoughts are all what you have with you and you do not feel the presence of the one who is around but the one who is miles away. Hearing a voice is enough to cover all the distance in between. Emotions are all what really matters in the end for anybody that you will talk or meet.

I like how distance has always taught me what and who is real to me. It can be a ride most of the time but patience always helps me to bear with it. And everything has an end so why not this? Let's embrace the distance with open arms.

Dreams.

How many dreams are filled in our hearts and eyes? We dream every time we close our eyes and try to decipher what is the meaning behind every single dream that we experience and at times we hold on to meaningless ones for there is a difference between reality and dream else we go weak as when dreams break, it feels like the world is turning into a horrid place.

At times I shake myself as I dream a lot most of the time and I keep on thinking about the dreams that have never come true. It's like a train hit me so hard and I cannot heal my wounds. It's hard to believe in the upcoming dreams that I will be seeing but I still will. Else how will I fulfill them? It is like a rule in this world to have dreams and make them come true. Noticing how people around me used to say : ''dream child and make them possible.''

Stars up in the sky make it all dreamy every time and I always try to count them like I do with my dreams as they are so precious to me. Impossible things are what I always try to accomplish. Always saying that there is no such thing as impossible in my dictionary but I am a human being after all at the end of the day who wants to give up but then remembers that you have to strive to get something in this cruel world where everybody only think about themselves.

Being hopeless is not what I aim for as dreams are what push you forward to do things that you never thought you will be able to accomplish but with time and perseverance, you can fulfill your dreams. Starting to think about yourself is what you should do instead of doing so for others. Even I used to over prioritize people and wanted to sell my dreams but I realized at the right time that it is not worth it at all.

Trying to keep the pace of making those faded images that you have in your mind because you have to make your life interesting so that you are finally proud of yourself and be able to face what you are supposed to in the future as you cannot always live off your parents' money or have them to support you until you give your last breath. Always keep on dreaming because it is your only chance to survive with others.

Broken hearts.

Whenever I read a sappy book these days, I feel my heart cracking into pieces. It must mean that my heart is breaking but that is a minor thing compared to what other things eventually do to broken hearts. It might sound cliché but it hurts me when I hear when a person says that his/her heart is breaking due to a specific reason.

Things eventually pass, that's what I have been told. At times I see things remaining constant and not changing. Either the time goes very slowly or it goes very fast in front of my face. I guess it is just me who keeps on relating with every cloud on the sky that flutters and then disappears like I did not get attached to it for the past five minutes and it happens that I don't know what to do with my life for a couple of hours later on.

Now when a person tells me that somebody left him/her for no reason and it breaks his/her heart, it affects me why people do such a thing. Don't they know that others are sensitive? Getting used to a person is very bad at times as you depend on his every word/action to survive or even breathe. It is like you cannot live without that being and your day will not go well if you do not talk to him/her. I have to learnt about that the hard way that you should not over prioritize people for they do not simply care most of the time.

Not having things go our way also affect our delicate hearts, like why am I not having this amazing phone? Why am I not getting that university offer? Why am I not getting that spontaneous job? Why am I not having pizza everyday? Why is my lawn always so dirty? Why am I not having a large group of friends? So many questions that eat us up and we end up doubting ourselves or even pitying our situations when there are so many other wonderful things to look upon. It is in our nature to want things that we do not have.

Heartaches from break ups and divorces are things that break our hearts and people alternately get over it because you end up healing yourself as there is always that positivity in life that push you to go ahead. One cannot simply stay in one state of mind forever and keep on blaming oneself for something that was bound to happen. If the heart is broken, it will be healed, provided you work on it. Else living must be so heavy and feeling that weight is a hard job, trust me on that.

To be broken is what we are born for. To be beautiful like a diamond, somebody has to break pieces from you so that you can be shaped well and eventually get to that state of beauty where everybody marvels over you. Do not be ashamed if you have a broken heart. Broken hearts are the prettiest ones ever and will always shine whether it is bright or dark.

Tiredness.

Saying that you are tired because you had a long day is something great to feel about but yet it comes to saying that you are tired because you worried so much that it feels that you are drained inside is something that makes you feel sad eventually for one cannot control his or her emotions and feelings all the time. It also happens that you feel tired for no particular reason and you keep on thinking about it.

I feel more tired when it is summer because I end up being dehydrated as I have the bad habit of not liking to drink water but I also do not sleep early at night for I toss right and left on the bed due to the heat that creeps on my arms and legs every single time while the wind seems to vanish somewhere to neverland. The weight of living increases immediately after that for getting sleep is not easy at all and thoughts keep on playing on my restless mind that is so ready to accept every assumption that I end up making.

While walking down the streets, I look around at people. Some of them smile but some frown for they are tired of pretending that everything is alright and maybe not wanting to be creepy. Their expressions are so intriguing that I can never figure out what they are trying to convey through the every intense, peculiar or sweet look that they throw at me. As if they are playing a game of guessing if I am tired or not by your stares or not. Tiredness shows clearly on their faces by every drop of sweat that is shown.

The lights around me go dim and I feel that they are also tired of lighting up for no reason for they do not have anything to gain from what they are doing. Just like the sun rises up every morning to set down in the evening for it is tired of being stuck among the clouds in the sky. It gives light to everybody no matter what season it is as it is selfless. It affects us as human beings so much with the weather changing and all and we end up blaming the weather for it is so easy to do so.

Even the birds stop chirping when it is night fall for they also get tired of what they do and what they see for it is a vicious cycle for them as well. They cannot help it for it is a natural reflex and I wonder if they tire themselves with their feelings before sleeping or while eating their food. Maybe they do for they also have a heart which must be filled with some sort of stuffs that they keep to themselves. Their chirping might be their means to communicate with God and not us.

I wish for once I could say that I am not tired emotionally, physically and mentally but that is simply not possible and somebody would be like : ''shut the front door, are you kidding?'' Everybody goes through the tiredness every second that they breathe but let's hold down as it is worth the while.

Lost souls.

We all wonder what we are and where we are most of the time. I am sure that I will never meet a person who says that he/she understand himself/herself completely. I also cannot fathom what I am at all. Thinking about the amount of times that I have noticed how people eventually change and not blaming the situations and time that surrounded them is definitely incredible. So many times, I wished to be able to rewind back the good memories but alas!

Living in a bubble does not help at all for we tend to think about ourselves all the time while there are people who are barely living without their basic necessities and have to struggle for a pot of water or some grains of rice in other countries. Always saying that I am helping others by sharing links and pages online does not really help at all because just raising awareness is never enough for action is what we need and we feel very proud by doing so without realizing that we in fact did nothing at all. In literal words, we are robots who depend on technology.

Moving on, copying other is what we love to do. If that specific actor or actress has that leather jacket, you must have it as well. It is an obligation whether you are broke or not. Being a fan is not a bad thing but going over the borders is something serious. Is this what you call freedom? Not creating your own personality but another copy of somebody else. Being inspired is something else because you strive to get to that position and not crave to want the same things and opportunities of that famous person who do not even know your existence at all.

Listening to others' negative words is what you should not do. Because you have the capacity of not letting words affect you if you don't want them to. People just do not realize that they can act deaf to the words because they will never define them. Actions done by you, will always define you throughout your lifetime. Why should a brave person get convinced by cowards who are jealous of him/her? Just be good and do good because the world needs people who work for others. People like that are very rare like pure diamonds that have been worked on.

And smiling to others because we have to and not out of our own will is something astounding. Fake smiling is being common these days for we do not appreciate the good side of people and only look at the bad side for in our minds, we are the perfect human beings who think that we do not sin but we do every time, we think that we are superior than others in any way when we are taught to be humble all the time. Aren't we all made out of dust and will return to dust one day? So give a genuine smile to somebody and see how that feels.

Everything evolves and all I see is lost souls so am I, trying to find my imperfections and mistakes so that I can define myself someday. Whenever somebody asks me, ''who are you?'' I start thinking because I do not know exactly how to describe myself in some phrases that can convince the person in front of me for once. Maybe we are just puppets of the society and that is why we will always be known as lost souls so lost souls we are.

Regrets.

Having regrets is normal in any person's life. At times you are so full of yourself and your life. To see others sleeping without food and having only air to depend on while you complain about the pizza of not having enough cheese or mushrooms. Is that called being ungrateful? Of course it is.

Some of us have luxuries that we keep on looking at the smallest faults in everything as there has to be something that we have to find. For instance, not liking the blue curtains in the living room and start cribbing about it to the maid who finds it difficult not knowing what to respond back to the spoiled boy or girl of the house. Later on one ends on regretting about the bitter words that have been uttered in a state of anger or frustration.

Friends do come to ask help to you but that feeling of superiority is there in you and it is not willing to die. You hold on that feeling and start thinking that you are the king or queen of this world and start bashing up that poor person who gathered all his or her might to seek some comfort from you because you were his only hope. Nevertheless you realize that when it is too late and you get the news that that person is actually dying in the hospital as he or she tried to commit suicide.

Not studying well for your final exams and procrastinating may seem lovely at a point of time because it is what teenagers call cool or yolo. There are so many terms that they use to show that nerds are useless or boring. On the specific day of the papers, those yolo teenagers start panicking as they do not know the answers to the questions and they typically blame the teachers for making it so difficult for them while they regret inside of their soul for not studying like they had to when there has still time for it.

Incidents happen and change your course of things just like that. Stars in the sky also revolve from time to time so do the time. Year, month, day will pass by and you will regret if you don't start dreaming to make your dreams come true. Even work for what you actually love doing, it may be anything. There is nothing bad in trying to be the person that you will be proud of, someday. But regrets are not things that you will love to be left with forever, especially when you will be old with grandchildren. What stories of adventures and accomplishments will you tell them while you will be sitting on your rocking chair?