Almost.

I do not smile anymore when I hear the word 'almost' because it seems so incomplete. It is like a whole process has stopped midway for some reason. I can't accept this in my mind that 'almost' is defining anything as it is so vivid. It's like accepting something yet deep inside yourself, you are denying it.

There are times when I used to say that I am almost beautiful or you are almost beautiful as a compliment but then I realized that I am doing the contrary. It is because I thought that I was not beautiful enough or you are not beautiful enough. It is not spreading joy rather uncertainty. It is when you are not sure with your words that you say 'almost' and it hurts. It really does, to the core. One can even go to the extent of telling you that it would be better if you would not say anything.

Imagine somebody telling you, 'I almost love you'. It would mean that he/she isn't sure about the love evolving. Confusion will be in the air then and nobody will be at ease. What's the use of saying words that you do not mean wholeheartedly? Almost is like you do want that person in your life yet you do not want that person. There is no sense in that so be careful before you say 'almost' to anybody because sending mixed signals is bad.

Also when your friend tells you that he/she is almost arriving where you are waiting impatiently but in reality, they are playing on the 'almost' to let you know that you have to wait for another couple of hours because they know that 'almost' is to say to keep you in suspense of what is actually going on or going to happen. It's absolutely amazing how others can play with the word 'almost' and you do not realize it at all.

Can you stop using the word 'almost' because people aren't smart enough to differ out what are you actually meaning? English language has some confusing words and 'almost' is one of them. Be careful with your words for they stay on the tongues of your loved ones for a long time and it will harm them. 

But I am just nineteen.

I just want to say 'but I am just nineteen' to every single person who says that you are getting old in some months and you have to do better with your skills. I don't know if I will see another tomorrow but I know in my mind that I will make the most of today. Pushing myself is already hard so why push me even further?

It's hard to think about the future now then I am stuck in the present, thinking about what to fix and what to do. I have learnt how to think by my own compared to some years ago. Others used to tell me what to think and I used to nod and agree. Things have changed ever since I started knowing what is right and what is wrong for me. Thinking is a process that has to be done by myself and I do not have to depend on others for that.

Knowing how to get my words out to people is what I always learnt and encouraged others to do. We all have words that are hidden inside ourselves that we have to share with others through any means, either it is via writing, drawing, speaking, making short videos, painting or whatever makes you comfortable. It is only your words that makes you different from others and being yourself is the best way is know who you are exactly.

Following my dreams is what I kept on doing more while being nineteen because it helped me more in the way of being courageous and confident. I always tell people to dream big as it is what will help you to achieve what you want to and nobody can stop you then. You are the one who can build and destroy what you actually have, doubting yourself is the worst thing that you can do. And I also worked for my dreams else they won't be true.

Growing as a person made me what I am right now, being nineteen isn't easy, I am telling you that. Everybody says that it isn't easy to be fifteen or sixteen but every age can be hard. Growing as a woman isn't easy because too many emotions come along at the same time and responsibilities increase day by day. It's a process from being a girl to a woman that aches my heart because at times, I want to be a girl and sometimes I want to be a woman.

Smiling is what I did more because I used to think that my smile is so weird and ugly. And I used to frown all the time whenever I am around people or whenever somebody took my picture. It was a miracle for others to see me start smiling for nothing or for a simple thing that happened. I was known as the grumpy person because that was what defined me. It changed my way of seeing things, even seeing my face glowing with the smile that I hated.

Trusting my decisions is also what I did with time as I used to think that I am not good enough with what I do but I did so with a bit of stamina that was left in my fragile body. I do not consider my body fragile anymore because it gets stronger with every decision that I take whether it is a good or bad decision. I learn from every decision that I take and I do not have anybody to blame but myself at the end of the day.

Speaking more about my fears is what I did because I do not hold grudges with myself. I let others know that I am scared while watching horror films, I am scared of cockroaches, I am scared of blowing up the kitchen while cooking, I am scared of every new change, I am scared of myself while I think at 2 a.m, I am scared of life, I am scared of being snatched of my imagination, I am scared, yes I am, I used to pretend that I was not scared of anything.

Making people laugh with my lame jokes is what I did more without caring and people laughed loud. I don't know if they laughed at my jokes or my laugh but they laughed. That was my purpose and it was successful. I got even happier throughout this. Those people were so worried and the minute they hear my jokes, they laugh and get lost in another world. I even laugh alongside with them and forget what made me so worried a minute ago as well.

But I am just nineteen, learning how to cope with this world which is preparing itself to push me up and down whenever I do anything but I will not give up because I am learning until I go to my grave where I will stop learning.

Inspiration.

Is it that one strives to live to be inspired or does one strives to live to be an inspiration for others? It's a question that has been on my mind since some days and I have been trying to escape it for some reason that I can't simply depict. Is there something called inspiration block? Because I lack inspiration at times.

I then realized that inspiration can be anybody or anywhere. You just have to notice every small detail that you seem to let go because you tend to ignore them for you act like you know everything then in reality you don't. There can be people that you ignore for no reason because your ego tells you to do so and you appreciate people who do not actually deserve it. There are places that you do not go because you think that they are ugly when it's the contrary.

Things can be calm in your head yet you will not find inspiration because you start thinking about how you are not good enough when it's not the case. That is what makes you not do your work well and get inspired. You can use both sides of your brain if you want to but you start assuming that you cannot which is very bad because you are ruining your own potential of being a better person of what you are.

While travelling, you will know how roads will teach you how to be patient when you don't want to and to be comfortable in your own skin because you have to bear yourself to carry on. That is when you know that inspiring yourself is a self discovery and you will inspire others without even knowing because you are confident that inspiration is something that you can get at any time but forcing yourself will not be of any help.

It's inspiration when you find that you can please yourself before others. You do not depend on anything or anybody for inspiration. Is it not why you are your own best friend when you are alone? You know yourself better than others because you do show just some parts that you find people will like and hide other parts inside yourself for it's what everybody does. 

Forgetful minds.

See how you are surrounded by forgetful minds and you have a forgetful mind as well. It's amazing how I used to get irritated of how people used to forget things, events or memories but I forgot how I happened to do so at times.

I think that it's great how we have minds that have this option of forgetting things forever or for a period of time else we would not be able to survive this life or at least breathe in peace. I am thankful that I can forget because I would be haunted by more worse thoughts that are actually in my mind and would not be laughing or crying when I suddenly remember those stuffs and I am grateful about it that it is what made me the person that I am today.

It's in my family genes to forget things so easily and I can't help it at all how I have to write down things on my planner so that I do not miss out the important stuffs or places where I have to do or go. There is only one thing that I am good at not forgetting and that is birthday dates. I even forget my way whenever I am walking in any part of the world, I can't be a tour guide which I would love to but it would not be me who remembers everything so efficiently.

On a serious note, would you want to keep everything infront of your eyes? All the deaths, sadness and all brutality that you are escaping slowly with the forgetfulness you got as a gift. Not at all, right? Smile at the fact at you are forgetful because it is a boon given to you for a reason, a strong one. Life was never meant to be easy but you are promised the strength to get along the way with some struggles here and there, it's spectacular to see things from this angle.

Yet we are humans and again we forget the fact that it's normal to forget and others to forget. It's such a funny thing and I am actually giggling right now how I am also like that. Let's forgive and forget the moments when people forget anything about you or him or her. I hope people ignore the fact that I tend to forget their names.

Friendship.

As the official friendship day is approaching, I got the perfect occasion to write what friendship actually means to me. I have had friends who have come and gone from my life when I was in kindergarten, middle school, high school and now that I am in university, I am left with friends that I can count on fingers.

Everybody is different and goes through various experiences. I was the type of person who used to have so many friends at a time. It was a matter of pride for me to have so many friends and the problems and worries bothered me and kept me so sad and I felt so inferior most of the time. I used to
also butter up my friends and now I have four to five close friends and not one hundred friends that I will not keep contact for a long time.

Over prioritizing others was what I used to do as well because I feared to be left alone. I needed that support of others and it was quite naive from my side as I was usually feeling out of the picture. But I wanted to be surrounded by many so as not to be appear a loner in public although I was always known as somebody else's best friend and never had my own identity. Things are not similar nowadays.

Usually I make friends easily even if I am a shy person, it must be a miracle to be honest. I have also faced so many difficulties to adapt with people and I used to let people crush you and lived in the shadows. I am glad that I have grown a lot with the passing time and know that I can be known as an individual who has an identity that others know, even if they still have problems in pronouncing my simple name that I get annoyed at times.

There is a quote of Imam Ali (as): ''A friend cannot be considered a friend unless he is tested on three occasions: in time of need, behind your back and after your death.'' For me, a friend means somebody who is there when I need him/her, takes care of me, knows what to say and what not to say, respect my views, religion, beliefs, rants and opinions. I do not want something extravagant or big from my friend. Also I want to have deep conversations under the stars if I am quite comfortable with the person.

Appreciate the people.

Appreciation is something that you do not tend to do or if you do then you sometimes appreciate people who do not deserve to. It even occurred or occurs to me that I do this error, after all I am a normal human being with flaws that I am trying to overcome every single time. Also I tend to appreciate things more than people.

It may sound that I am heartless at times but I am changing gradually with the passing time and I know that I am starting to appreciate people around me since some years. I think to think with my head instead of my heart because of some incidents that happened to me and ever since I was this robot who didn't know that when somebody does or says something nice to you, you should smile and at least say a thank you to show some appreciation.

Noticing that there are people who do not show a sign of appreciation about even their parents, makes me so sad or even the maid who works at their place. It is one of the worst things that you will ever do to a human being who breathes and has the same feelings and emotions like you. Even the newspaper vendor or the road side ice cream or junk food seller needs to know that you are liking their service by a simple smile because they get courage by those actions that you do towards them.

When it comes to friends, it is another level of showing your appreciation or disapproval but try to be gentle because we all make mistakes here and there. You never know if you will see those people tomorrow so make the best of today to say 'I like how you check on me' 'I appreciate your concern' 'You are a wonderful person when it comes to consoling' or any similar phrase which express your thankfulness.

I never want to let a person go away because I didn't appreciate him or her enough. It is then when you realize the utmost importance of the role of that being who was in your life. So try to appreciate even a message or a short call from your parents, friends, lover, maid, sweeper or any human being who is in your surroundings. Even if you have to hug them, do so. 

Those nights.

Coming back to those nights when I can't sleep or work. I sit on the couch or bed and start thinking about all the good and bad decisions that I made and how I cannot amend them anymore. You can change your present and future but you cannot change your past.

In the deep silence of the night, I hear whispers at times that attract me towards them which is spectacular to my ears. But then I do not hear anything when I try to hear more, well it must be my imagination. Dwelling in the silence is what I do for a long period of time and I start reading a book or go through pictures on my gallery which is the initiation to nostalgia. Time never come back and I want to feel those feelings that I felt before.

The dark blanket that envelopes the sky and we call it night for it has to be an end to the day that we spend relentlessly and carelessly. I do wonder why the night falls and I do not see any bird in the sky. Even stars are not seen because of the air pollution. Still looking for the beauty that so many poets and writers talk about. Is the darkness beautiful or ugly? Nothing shines during those hours and everything stands still.

Got a preference for winter nights because summer nights are too much of a trouble. I like having frozen toes and getting more inspiration for whatever I am aiming to do in the upcoming days and months. I need the shiver under my fingers and neck to know that it is finally night and keep on over thinking about things that do not really matter because my brain wants to work at that specific time to disturb my soul.

There is so much inside me that I don't want to complicate things by putting them out to people who will start thinking that I am another person in the middle of the night or I am simply drunk over my words. Conversations that are never supposed to begin, are then started just like that and you do love or regret them after some time. You then recall the conversations of those nights as a memory that you want to erase but you can't.

I am yet to have more of those nights when I start to think more about people, places, things, time, feelings, emotions and pointless ramblings that will be faded away in twenty years. And it is uncontrollable for you and I.