The pull and push.

I sit down and contemplate about myself, lost in my thoughts all over again. I am scared of the future although I should not be that way. It is not about the people who stay or those who decide to leave. It is not about whether I will live to be a successful person or not or it is not about the society in which I live in where women are not being protected, respected and given the love required. It is about me, if I will be able to take what comes in my way every moment that is going to happen in my life because I am the one who is able to help myself, I am my own best friend most of the time.

At times I feel the pulls and pushes of life, I am dragged here and there although at times I don't want to be so but there are a lot of things that are not in your control. I am told what is right and wrong. There are times when I avoid those voices in my mind because I find it confusing to listen well to them but due to that I write. When people talk about love and having boyfriends, I am neutral because that fear of losing that person is present in their eyes and I can see that very clearly, they laugh most of the time but their eyes are sad and I guess it is natural to feel that way, afraid that person is going to leave them or rather they are not good enough for that specific person. We all doubt themselves sometimes because we are human beings after all.

Hence there are days when I wake up and think whether I should love a person more than myself and someday he might go away and turn my life upside down which is something wrong. Because my intuitions are always right and I don't know whether I should appreciate it or not. Regrets are what you should not have in life and if you do then you should learn from them. I used to complicate things in the life but I am losing my super power which is remarkable. Looking at my ceiling for hours before I doze off at night and making the greatest decisions of my life is like clapping my hands.

Whenever I am with people, I never actually look at their face most of the time, I observe the way they move their hands and feet, their words that affect me all the time, their eating process and finally their shoes. I judge people according to one thing, their shoes. It is one of my childhood habits. One day my late grandfather took me in his arms when I was 5, I looked at his torn shoes and asked him : ''why do you wear those horrible shoes?'' ''Don't you have the money to buy a new pair, you have such a big mansion.'' ''They don't look elegant''. He politely replied : ''I go out for morning walks with my poor neighbor and he wears simple slippers and if I wear my expensive shoes then he is going to feel inferior.''

You look around you and realize that everybody is not lucky like you. Some people do not even know what they are going to eat tonight and I see people throwing food because they have too much and don't know how to handle what they have which makes me angry because I saw children with those hot tears in their eyes digging dustbins for something edible and even they don't find anything, they go along the road, kicking every small pebble on the streets as they are disappointed from life and don't know what to do ahead.


Moreover I don't really like cats but my little brother has a cat whom everybody loves so much and it definitely comes to purr at me at random moments in the day, it makes me smile. It is the only pet that brought a change in my life because most of the pets that I once owned died somehow and I cried when  each of them did, my inner child is still alive in me until today, I still enjoy going to the zoo with everybody and scream along with the monkeys over there, they are my distant cousins. Animals are those beings who make you cheer up and don't expect anything from you unlike human beings.


Finally we love, hate, breathe in, breathe out, smile, sulk, grin, cry and make funny faces when everything become hard for us. When I get sad, I go in front of the mirror and make funny faces and giggle like a silly girl. At times I want to tell people : ''You failed me. Time to slice and dice! You are gone, history, finito.'' But it is hard to express yourself and you don't know if they are paying attention to what you are saying.