This has been one of my big decisions to move away from everyone to pursue a new experience, change and career. In my mind, the scenarios were different though the reality is actually so bitter and awakening. It has actually been helping me to be more open minded or patient in so many ways but yet there is always something missing.
When I think how everything happened so fast last December that I didn't meet everybody to say goodbye or mention that I will be back soon. Or when I looked in my parents' eyes, it breaks my heart to say that I was selfish in some way to decide to move. I always say that I am fulfilling my dad's dream but I left him alone, who does he even scold to wake up for Fajr or to sleep every night? How does my mum walk past by my room and not feel that one of her kids isn't around? How is everybody surviving without me at home?
My group of friends did have an idea that I was planning to move but not that soon. Some knew that good and surprising news through my TV interview, some weren't even believing that my departure was in two weeks and some even thought that I was joking around as things never happen fast with me. I still remember how the idiot of my life, Tahirah who sounded so devastated on the phone when I let her know that I am not going to be around for a long time. I broke so many hearts which I have been realizing some days ago.
All I heard was, ''we are happy for you because you are so happy. We are proud of what you have achieved. Do not forget us even once else we will haunt you'' before leaving. Nobody even said that things would not be the same without you or we are hurt by this but then I sit down and ponder or even read my messages, I get the notion that I have been hiding my feelings way too much and not reciprocating the love back of those who are still there to care if I am doing well in a strange land where everything is so different for me.
When it comes to the guilt part, I kept feeling guilt about everything every single day, I missed so many important occasions, I am not here when my loved ones are in pain or crying. Those days when my best friend had her first heartbreak, all I could do was be on skype with her to console her with words and watch her cry her heart out, I used to give her my shoulder to cry on and hug her to let her that things will be fine but I felt so helpless that I wish I could take a flight and get back but one can't help with such situations.
I missed birthday parties, first formal presentations and so many important events of the people whom I am close to though I still sent words to show that my presence is still there even my absence is still so visible to everybody. One of the biggest blow on the heart was when I missed my brother and dad's birthday and all I could do was just call and wish them a long lifetime of success and happiness. I used to organize every single birthday event for everybody when I was around so I guess that I am always going to feel left out.
Well it's going to be like this for the remaining 3 years but I feel that I am a bad friend, daughter and sister. What do you say to your friend who says that if you were here, things would be better? Oh well, I am sorry, I left because my career is more important than everything that I left behind. It was easy to think with the mind that this will happen and it won't affect me but it is eating the inside of my intestine everyday and I can't help the feelings from making the heart so heavy. So many situations with questions and no answers.
Though there is this thing called loneliness that just doesn't seem to pass out. I am definitely surrounded by new people to hang out with or spend time with but then it isn't the same like the ones whom I am used to as I take time to get along with anybody. It's nice to sit down and laugh for hours but it will always remain as memories that I will carry someday as well. Nothing stays constant at all and time just passes like a bird is flying in the sky where suddenly you don't see it anymore as it was just a temporary phase.
Trying to fit in is what I did but then I got the point that it won't work because this is not home. I have definitely got a lot of experiences so far which opened my eyes. I got even more confident in what I am doing, got over some of my fears, discovered that it isn't that hard to be independent and left the toxic vibes behind. It isn't that hard to stand on my own feet as nobody can help me until I help myself. There is always the constant change in everything that I go forward to do and it makes me then breaks me and it's a whole circle that repeats then I finally get the grip of it.
Despite every point that I mentioned, I am glad to have everyone who still sticks around and pesters me to come back which will definitely happen with God's will. I definitely got new friends but you people are home and recognize who you are.
When I think how everything happened so fast last December that I didn't meet everybody to say goodbye or mention that I will be back soon. Or when I looked in my parents' eyes, it breaks my heart to say that I was selfish in some way to decide to move. I always say that I am fulfilling my dad's dream but I left him alone, who does he even scold to wake up for Fajr or to sleep every night? How does my mum walk past by my room and not feel that one of her kids isn't around? How is everybody surviving without me at home?
My group of friends did have an idea that I was planning to move but not that soon. Some knew that good and surprising news through my TV interview, some weren't even believing that my departure was in two weeks and some even thought that I was joking around as things never happen fast with me. I still remember how the idiot of my life, Tahirah who sounded so devastated on the phone when I let her know that I am not going to be around for a long time. I broke so many hearts which I have been realizing some days ago.
All I heard was, ''we are happy for you because you are so happy. We are proud of what you have achieved. Do not forget us even once else we will haunt you'' before leaving. Nobody even said that things would not be the same without you or we are hurt by this but then I sit down and ponder or even read my messages, I get the notion that I have been hiding my feelings way too much and not reciprocating the love back of those who are still there to care if I am doing well in a strange land where everything is so different for me.
When it comes to the guilt part, I kept feeling guilt about everything every single day, I missed so many important occasions, I am not here when my loved ones are in pain or crying. Those days when my best friend had her first heartbreak, all I could do was be on skype with her to console her with words and watch her cry her heart out, I used to give her my shoulder to cry on and hug her to let her that things will be fine but I felt so helpless that I wish I could take a flight and get back but one can't help with such situations.
I missed birthday parties, first formal presentations and so many important events of the people whom I am close to though I still sent words to show that my presence is still there even my absence is still so visible to everybody. One of the biggest blow on the heart was when I missed my brother and dad's birthday and all I could do was just call and wish them a long lifetime of success and happiness. I used to organize every single birthday event for everybody when I was around so I guess that I am always going to feel left out.
Well it's going to be like this for the remaining 3 years but I feel that I am a bad friend, daughter and sister. What do you say to your friend who says that if you were here, things would be better? Oh well, I am sorry, I left because my career is more important than everything that I left behind. It was easy to think with the mind that this will happen and it won't affect me but it is eating the inside of my intestine everyday and I can't help the feelings from making the heart so heavy. So many situations with questions and no answers.
Though there is this thing called loneliness that just doesn't seem to pass out. I am definitely surrounded by new people to hang out with or spend time with but then it isn't the same like the ones whom I am used to as I take time to get along with anybody. It's nice to sit down and laugh for hours but it will always remain as memories that I will carry someday as well. Nothing stays constant at all and time just passes like a bird is flying in the sky where suddenly you don't see it anymore as it was just a temporary phase.
Trying to fit in is what I did but then I got the point that it won't work because this is not home. I have definitely got a lot of experiences so far which opened my eyes. I got even more confident in what I am doing, got over some of my fears, discovered that it isn't that hard to be independent and left the toxic vibes behind. It isn't that hard to stand on my own feet as nobody can help me until I help myself. There is always the constant change in everything that I go forward to do and it makes me then breaks me and it's a whole circle that repeats then I finally get the grip of it.
Despite every point that I mentioned, I am glad to have everyone who still sticks around and pesters me to come back which will definitely happen with God's will. I definitely got new friends but you people are home and recognize who you are.
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